By Jimminy I am buggered.
For those that don’t know and should bloody know if they read my posts or have been otherwise engaged with trivial important stuff: I am in the process of emptying out the entire house, as we are moving out of home for 10 days to have the floors sanded and polished. Our whole home is timber floored, so this is, as you can imagine, a big job.
Yep, after 5 years of renovation, restoration and rejuvenation, the major work is coming to a close and only one thing stands between (hopefully) retired DIYers and ‘only the small jobs to go’ – and that is the sanding and polishing of the floors. Me being me, left it until this morning to even start. The menfolk didn’t get excited, so neither was I. Plenty of time. Those that know me know I think I am a bit of a domestic Diva, and pride myself on non cluttering and throwing things out. So where did all this stuff come from????? I think it breeds. Little naughties taking place behind closed doors.
If I have to lift another box or look at another pile of stuff tonight I am going to offer it to the homeless. Really. I’m stuffed! It’s not as bad as moving out – because there is no requirement for wrapping all cups and plates, they are only going as far as the shed - and no need to pack up the outdoor furniture and plants and things. No need to empty and defrost the fridge, just move it. But, everything does have to have a home for the next 10 days, a home that is not actually inside your ummm… home. Big furniture. Little. Beds. Computers. Couches, chairs and tables. Even food must be out, because of toxic residue. Pray it does not rain too hard, because in my house, everything’s partying on the deck. It must be quite a reunion. Some of my crap furniture has not seen each other for a few years.
I can just hear my furniture talking now. “Oh look dresser, table has had a face lift! Looks like she has a bit of work done to her legs too” “Oh, buffet, I think you might be right. And the old chest looks like she may have had a spot of micro-dermabrasion there, her surface looks much more smooth than last we saw her”. “Hey, pssst – have you seen Aunt Gladys’s mirror? Not all she was cracked up to be as she ages, is she?!” I wonder if they shun the new IKEA cheapies for the pre-teen room? (“Look at that young thing and all her frippery. never saw such veneer in my day”) I wonder what the new cheapies think of the antiques? (“Blimey. You think the old coot would have given in to woodworm by now”.) I had better make sure the wine fridge is in the laundry.
Hubby says we have about 5 more hours of work to do. So, a few more hours for him tomorrow, then off to my Clayton’s holiday, where we are paying big bucks for a unit close to the waterfront (yes, we do already live close to the waterfront. That is a drawback of living here – you either live here or holiday here so we have to rent a tourist holiday apartment in our own back yard). A $700.00 a week unit where I get to nip home every day and feed the dog, the cat and the possum, where I get to pour buckets of water over my herbs and veggies, check on the tradies, and make sure no one has stolen my stuff. Oh, and go to work, do the school run, finish school reports and come sit on my crowded deck so I can get a daily dose of Internet.
So, will I miss renovating? Like a hole in the head.
Ode to my House.
(With apologies to Carole Bayer Sager, Bette Midler, and Bruce Roberts )
I stayed up late most nights since we moved in
I didn’t mind ’cause of the state you were in
May I remind you that it’s been 5 years since then
Today the husband well, he said to me
Stop whinging girl, just look what we achieved
All this so you can enjoy a cottage by the sea
So I packed my toys away
Shots of my boys away
My 45′s away
My school work files away
My cooking supplies away
My old tye-dyes away
My many shoes away
I’m moving out today….
Our nasty habits weren’t confined to bed
My friends came round and looked at me with dread
They thought this whole house was one big bad joke played on me – fool!
Packed up my rubber duck
I just don’t give a fuck damn
Because my sense of fun
Was gone by year one
Packed all my clothes away
Threw my old rags away
I’m going (not too) far away
I’m moving out today
Packed up my fork and spoon
There’s no more moving rooms
There’s no more joists that squeak
My roof no longer leaks
My walls no longer sag
Or smell like old wet rag
People can now come round
and not sit on the ground
Packed up my dirty shoes
What’s left of nails and screws
My stacks of magazines
Man you should hear me scream
My mangy cat can stay
Renovatings gone away
It’s headed that-o-way
I’m moving out today …
La lala la la laa, la la la lalalalaa. lalalalah lah la lah..
(WordPress is going to the homeless too, soon, if it does not stop buggering up my formatting!!!!!!!!)