Today I received a wedding invitation in the post. It is a very fine invitation.
Modern, edgy but with strong traditional font, and very, very elegant. Included is an accept or decline return slip (complete with space for dietary requirements) and a gift registry tag with dot.com address and registration number.
The marriage is in a beautiful old church. Following the wedding at a beautiful park close by, is ‘the cutting of the cake and celebratory toast’. Then, some 5 1/2 hours later in a winery, 25 kilometers away and on the other side of the city, is the reception. (Dress: Lounge Suit. I can’t help but consider a sofa in black tie and tails.)
Now, I do love these people. I love them very much, and totally respect their choices and am sure they will have a wonderful, wonderful day. But the invitation got me to thinking.
I was married in the 80′s. Big white wedding, billowing dress, bridesmaids in flying saucer hats. 3 tier wedding cake, Church priest bellowing fire and brimstone to the poor guests, 4 course meal at the reception. Wine, champagne, dancing. Dolls on the cake. The arch of friendship. Shoes and pots tied to the getaway car. Wedding night in a swanky hotel in the City. (Groom and groomsmen in grey suits with pink ties. I did say it was the 80′s).
There was no registry back then. Sure, we had heard of them – posh, rich or wanky swanky families used those – usually with gifts listed that amounted into high end of 3 figures. No, we trusted the guests with their gift of choice. Their own choosing. I recall a toaster, some towels, some crockery, a crock pot (I still have that, although the husband has gone the way of the old arcoroc plates). An upright top loading washing machine was the star, alongside some Rodd silver cutlery, gifted from parents of the groom, and parents of the bride respectively. (I still have the cutlery. And the Crystal. One of the glasses is now chipped rendering the set imperfect. I know how it feels.)
I have had a look at the gift registry wish list included in my invitation. As I thought, they have good taste. (Good, expensive taste – but very good). It includes, not surprisingly, top shelf items that I have had to wait for, 20 years after my marriage, to be able to put in my kitchen – or my home. (Or not have at all as yet).
Starting out for us, was with whatever we had. No 9 piece Esteele saucepan set. We had mum’s old ones and some that I had saved for myself as a teenager. No country Road executive size towels. I had some from my ‘glory box’ (remember those, girls? Do people still have them?) and some from mum’s old castoffs. No Stanley Rodgers flatware, or Le Crueset cookware. Just whatever people had gifted us or we could find. After all, back then, starting out meant just that – the idea was to build a life together (ooops, flunked that), work hard, and in time, the good things in life are appreciated, because the value of relationships, people and things – mere material objects – are truly recognised as the years advance.
So – what’s your opinion on gift registries? Experiences? Is this a commonplace inclusion of the noughties? Did you start out with everything, nothing – or somewhere in between?
I have to say, that I completely understand where you are coming from…however…In this day and age, a gift registry seems a must. No longer are couples waiting for marraige before they move in together, which means that they already have everything they need to set up a house. What gets to me is the sheer excessiveness of the gifts people put on their registry. My cousin put a $200 ironing board on his. I mean really, that’s just…well…excessive! Le Crucuet? I wish. I think couples are only putting down the things they know they will never aquire unless someone buys it for them.
Anyway, I like the invitations that ask for you to contribute towards the honeymoon. http://www.flightcentre, here I come.
I find the whole gift registry thing totally crass and would never buy something off this list as I am such a staunch believer in the way these devalue the whole thing and turn it into a material grab.
don’t I sound harsh …. I was first married in 1990 and no we did not have a list even though we had co-habitated for five years – the joy was in seeing the personality of the giver reflected in the gift.
married the second time – I am such an optimist – in 2000 – this time I said no gifts pls – most people went with this – those who choose not to just asked us …
and deb above – a $200 ironing board – what the …. what does it do – the ironing for you – hells bells ! le
We married overseas and it was a tiny wedding with no registry list of course. I used to think it would have been good to have all those things we then had to save for – toasters, crockpots, dinnersets! but now I look back and cherish the presents we were given – a vase from Greece, a plate from France – and am happy to say we have managed to keep most of them intact.
Friends who were married recently decided to do the World Vision thing – on the very basis that they had everything they needed…
I rarely select anything from a registry list, but use it to see what the tastes of the couple are. But if I don’t like anything, then I go and find something which I like, and which I have chosen. I want my gifts to be personal and therefore special. The weddings are those of nieces and nephews, and they are all special.
My mother supplied me with a glory box of linen, which I used sparingly so as to make it last. To my horror, some years later when I needed to get new sheets and pillow slips out, I found that the moths and silverfish had been nibbling away on the folds so there were lots of holes in them. We had lived in a newly built flat and then a new house, so I didn’t think we’d have silverfish!
I believe that your ‘glory box’ is what we call a ‘hope chest’ here.
Here in Podunk PA, the registry is usually at the local Walmart, where everyone shops anyway. When my nephew married, their registry listed things such as spatulas or other cooking utensils. There was even a gas can listed. I don’t believe anything on the list was over $100. I think it is crass to only list high end, expensive stores. It would guarantee that their gift from me was not on their list.
I agree with le. If I spent $200 on an ironing board, it had better do the ironing for me.
Registries are just an almost acceptable way for 2 grown ups to demand, a la toddler style, the pick of bunch.
Got married in the 80′s first time round and we were happy with the toasters, crockery, pot, pans, etc.
2nd time around we just asked that guests bring themselves and no gifts.
A $200 ironing board?!
“Iron” is a 4 letter word in this house and I can think of better things to spend $200 on…!
I didn’t use to be a fan of the ‘gift registry’ though many of my friends wed during the noughties and had them.
What I really don’t like which seems to be the thing of the ’2000′s’ is the ‘Wishing Well.’ The giving of cash! It’s so impersonal.
My best friend and her husband got married about 5 years ago, for a long time they had been eyeing off a dining room table that they would never have been able to afford. They didn’t have a registry but if people asked what they wanted there answer was make a payment toward their on-hold dining table or purchase a gift voucher from that store to put toward the table. To this day we are all enjoying the benefits of the ‘said’ table!
I’m glad we didn’t have a “list!” Back then [1970--- dark ages!] in Ireland, people would have been embarrassed to be so crass as to tell their guests what they should give them as a gift! We were given crystal, china, linens—whatever people thought we’d need [and be able to carry over the ocean!] On this side, the OC’s family and friends pretty much set us up with starter stuff for cooking [they didn't, however, provide the one thing I would have loved---a live-in cook!] cleaning, sitting and sleeping! After that we were on our own—starting out, which is what it was all about, at least back then.
If I, or anybody I knew, paid $200 for an ironing board, I would expect it to not only iron the clothes , but to load the washer and dryer and put the clothes away in the right drawers. All without any help from me!
So. Will you be going?
I STILL Have some of that newlywed used cookware, mismatched recliners in the den and hodge podge tables from all sides of the family! We inherited a china pattern, so I never registered for one. It is a different generation, raised by more affluent parents I guess. You also see people going into 5 and 6-figure debt for weddings. You could buy a nice home for what some of these folks shell out for one day’s worth of celebration. It’s the marriage people…. not the wedding.
Ha! Just go out and buy them what YOU want to buy. (It’s not as if they can stamp their feet and refuse your gift because it didn’t come from their precious list!)
Gift registries can be handy if people really have no idea what to buy, but I take them more as a list of suggestions, not a “Must Buy FRom This List” thing.
People get mad if there’s no gift register. Honestly. Happened to hubby and I, and our friends and rellies are some of the most relaxed I’ve heard of.
“But what do we GET you???” Screams of outrage.
So it’s not all for the convenience of bride and groom. Modern theory seems to be that the wedding is a big production, complete with minimum $200/head reception. Presents also a big production, and should cost the same as the cost of having you at the reception.
Meh. We got married on the beach, had a buffet arvo tea on the beach, then everyone went home and we went straight to our honeymoon. Also on the beach, but a different one ;-) No gift register.
If I HAD had a gift register, I would’ve put a $200 ironing board on it. If the thing’s going to be up against the wall out of use 100% of the time, it might as well be decorative!
I had a gift registry (married in 2001) but I didn’t include this info in the invitation. I thought it was too tacky to do so. But, if asked, I revealed this info as some found it difficult to buy a gift considering we were in our 30s when we married and had had separate homes.
I’ve seen people include a list of gift suggestions – the whole register thing hasn’t caught on out here……….. yet.
But. If people are going to do that I think they need to include all budgets in their consideration and yes, the whole point is of starting out and building. What’s wrong with working their way up to the good stuff?
We each had a houseful of castoff furniture and stuff that we had bought that was cheap. Then we married. So we had two of everything (and mostly castoff or cheap) except that we’d bought a new queen sized bed, because we both had singles.
People gave whatever they wanted as gifts, although my Mum had a list of things that we didn’t have for those seeking suggestions. Those suggestions were mainly along the lines of “Neither of us have a stockpot, and I LOVE soup and can’t make it” – Brand, expense wasn’t an issue.
The only splurgey thing was that I had at some point bought 2 Royal Doulton crystal wine glasses that I’d fallen in love with. I really wanted to get a set to go with the gorgeous dinner set Mum & Dad had given us. I asked Mum if it would be rude to include that as an option – that if someone wanted to give us even 1 glass we might get a set overall. My very sweet Grandmother heard about it and gave us the other 6 glasses to make up the table setting for 8.
So we ended up with some lovely stuff and some funny stuff and lots of odds and ends that neither of us had bought… And 3 complete sets of cream bath towels (to go with the blue, apricot, and yellow complete sets of bath towels that were also given to us).
HI Shirley,
We got married in 1980 and no we didn’t have registered list- I wrote down a few likes for my mom but we were delighted with the choices of others- For the most part anyway- we got the occasional what is this ? too :o) But we considered ourselves fortunate to receive the gifts that someone had chosen for us.
I rarely buy off the registry list but I look at them if I want some ideas of the things that the couple would like- most often I make something quilted.
We started out with hand me downs and thrift stuff and have bought new stuff over the years to replace the old stuff- Some of that new stuff is old now and could stand to be replaced- so is the cycle of life…LOL
Cheers,
Anna
I had a gift registry, at the local Myer (that would be your local Myer too ;) ).
I included it in the invitation along with a note saying that while we only wanted their company, if they felt compelled to buy us gifts we would appreciate things on the registry or things easy to transport as we were moving overseas.
Most people respected that, and the most expensive thing on our list was 2 x $100 suitcases to travel with. The cheapest thing was a $20 towel. I think in the end we ended up with most of the things on the list, and a few extra things like paintings and other such personal items which I greatly treasure.
And I know it’s only been 7 years, but those suitcases still get a work out.
Well, I guess I straddle the two eras really. We got married in 2001, and I did have a registry. I didn’t for a start, then got inundated with the “but what do you NEED” and “I don’t want to double up on something someone else is getting”… so we did.
I made it VERY clear it was only there if people wanted to use it… certainly not an obligation. And people did both. Bought from the list and did their own thing. We had all price-ranges covered (nothing was too dear) and were delighted to fit out our kitchen with simple practical NEEDED items.
The advantage of the register is that you can see if someone already has something you want to get. I think it’s practical and not a demand. I do disagree with the wishing well INSTEAD of gifts. It needs to be the totally the guests choice what they offer you. And if they travel a long way, no gift should be expected at all – their presence is gift enough.
Jeanie had a great online registry which wasn’t a shop – people could check off items they had bought so no-one doubled up. And she had things like “lemon tree” and “fertiliser” on it!!! What is asked for is as unique as the couple themselves.
:-)
BB
As you know, we recently got married. We had a registry, in that it was an online suggestion list that people could check if they got something and therefore things weren’t doubled. Only got caught on casserole dishes really, and didn’t receive anything we didn’t want. Some people went with the suggestions, some personal stuff that we really appreciate.
Are you uninvited if you don’t toe the line? I find the 5 1/2 hour gap more of an issue!
Jeanie, The time line is unusual, isn’t it?
I liked your gift registery. It was sensible!
I would love to have been the giver of the fertiliser ;)
You know my thoughts.
BUT, I liked Naomi’s comment. We did a small, last minute one at Myer, because a few people were flumoxed ( why? – we had nothing ! ), and we only sent out the card after word filtered back that ‘so&so’ would really like a list.
So probably, what, 10 registry cards sent out of 100 guests ?
Now I use them for a bit of a sticky, and then a guide to ‘taste’. I like to select my own gift, however.
But yeah, I think it would be rare these days not to get an invite AND a registry all bundled together in the one envelope. To me, it says ‘please come to my wedding. We want stuff’
Oh well. Lucky ‘kids’ I guess ( I wish ! :)
We married 7 years ago and had a registry at DJ’s for those who might not know what to get. This was hard as there was loads of stuff in the store and none of it we liked. (well, except for the Alessi Melodic Whistling Kettle. Which we didn’t get).
Many closer friends got us what they actually thought was a reflection of us, the people we didn’t know got us stuff we later passed on. Our favourite items were the Country Road cotton woven blanket (I am sitting in bed under it right now!) which has been so good that we now give the same one to every couple whose wedding we are invited to. It is such a wonderful item, and we get thanked often for it. Also my parents paid for us to have a fantastic Trad New Orleans Jazz band play at our reception, which was great.
I was given a rather nasty set of engraved “crystal” bottle stops and a metal scroll in which to put our marriage certificate by one girlfriend from school. When her wedding rolled around a few years later we were all advised to give money, which I felt was rude and inappropriate. I took great pleasure in buying her a faux-pewter photo frame and leaving it next to the money “wishing-well” at the reception.
I think it odd to have a ceremony, followed by cake/toast then 5 1/2hrs later for a reception. Its a bit of a production! But I suppose people like to go to 35 different spots to have pictures taken now. We just walked down the road for pictures and then crossed the same road to get into the reception!
The gap between the cake cutting and the reception is quite long, that surprised me, too. As did the 3 specific events, rather than just the 2. Usually the cake is cut at the reception. I like the idea of a cake cutting ceremony actually, and then skip the reception altogether!
A lively & interesting discussion here! Gom had been married before- the full church blah blah.
I didn’t beieve in, or want any of that, so we just went off to the Registry, & our mothers were present, & my brother.
We had 25 pounds between us, & over the years were gifted or gathered all we needed. It is almost 43 years, & I reckon that is ok. A lot of the china, cutlery etc is odd & mismatched… & I love it, it matches us!