So tonight I find myself home from work earlier than my boys, which is pretty rare. And I have to zip out for a quick trip to drop some flyers of to my friend K, who lives a few minutes up the road.
And being the kind, caring mother and wife that I am ;), a quick phone call to the sparky imparts to me they are only just up the road and will be here in minutes. He is muttering something about a science experiment in the apprentice’s school bag or something.
He does not sound happy.
But I am preoccupied with the flyers and getting that little job done, and so as the boys pull in and the sparky enters the house I am already working on getting back out the door and down the road.
And Sebastian, the black Labrador, is doing typical Labrador back-flip-sideways-slide-loop-the-loop-prancing-paw dance of ‘there you are-where have you been-you have left me here all alone allllll day with no one to talk to-and why do you have the keys and did I hear you say the word car? You are going in the car? THE CAR? Yay the car – I love the car- let’s get in the car and here I am your poor Labrador and where have you been?’
And the sparky says ‘your son’ and then he says ‘science experiment’ and then he adds ‘feral’ and points outside. I can tell he is having trouble putting several words together. (See – told you I was a kind and caring wife and mother).
And I step outside the front door barged over by the sideways-shuffling-tap-dancing Labrador who wants to get in ‘the car because it’s the car and where have you been and stand still so I can knock you over and oh look there’s my BOY’ and I come to see a very strange sight.
I see the boys’ school back pack, tied upside down by the straps, around the trunk of a palm tree just outside the front door.
I see the tap dancing Labrador now head down rump up, shovel nosed with his head under the bushes by the deck, tail wagging furiously.
I see the apprentice with a look of horror and shock and guilt and ‘oh crappity crappity crap’ on his face, mouth ajar.
And all this happens in the space of about 60 seconds from the sparky entering the front door.
And while my brain tries to catch up and process all I see, the tap dancing Labrador emerges from the bushes with something that really, really resembles a wholemeal chicken salad sandwich that I made for school lunch somewhere around last Thursday.
Still in it’s glad wrap.
Being a well trained dog, he drops the plastic wrapped sandwich at my feet and promptly plonks himself on his rump. He looks at me with those Labrador eyes and tail wagging and ‘see what I found I am such a good boy see what I have it followed me home and can I keep it mum, can I, can I, can I’?
And I look at the apprentice and I say softly and slowly:
Put. the. sandwich. in. the.bin.
And as geek boy gingerly skirts past me sideways and picks up the sandwich and the tap dancing Labrador pirouettes beside him as he heads to the bin, I look at the sparky and the sparky looks at me. And with a blur of fur the tap dancing Labrador is back and has assumed rump up head down position under the bushes once again.
And the apprentice’s expression has gone from horror and shock and guilt and ‘oh crappitty crappitycrap’ to the 12 year olds equivalent of oh fruck and with a great deal of tap dancing, tail wagging and pirouetting the Labrador presents me with something that really, really resembles a ham, mayonnaise and salad wrap that that looks suspiciously like the one I made for school lunch on Monday.
Still in it’s glad wrap.
And the dog, with a ‘see mum I found another one, I know I couldn’t eat the other one but can I have this one, canIcanIcanIcanIcanI?’ drops the wrap at my feet.
And I look at the apprentice and I say not so softly and much more slowly:
PUT. THE. WRAP. IN. THE. BIN.
And then I say:
AND. WHAT. ELSE. IS. UNDER. THE HOUSE?
And the apprentice says ‘nothing…’
And I say :
LOOK. AT. ME.
and then I say:
AND. WHAT. ELSE. IS. UNDER. THE HOUSE?
And the apprentice mutters something about a bread roll and an orange and an apple and a pear and some yoghurt and skirts past me super sideways making sure his rump is not within reach of my arm and then both the boy and the dog assume the rump up, head down position under the bushes. And one rump is a whole lot happier than the other.
I look at the sparky and he looks at me.
And armed with things that indeed, look like science experiments, the apprentice heads to the wheelie bin and deposits the evidence. And the tap dancing dog, bereft at not being allowed to consume his kill of glad wrapped mould ridden parcels of goodness, does 3 pirouettes and darts over to Sophie the cat who is performing her toilette under the Oleander tree.
And with a hiss and a swat she bolts from her toilette, where she had been in the middle of making a small deposit. And the tap dancing Labrador sticks his muzzle right in the deposit and rubs his face in the nuggetty bits of goodness and looks at me as if to say ‘you should have let me have those sandwiches I killed, shouldn’t you?.
And by now, just over 2 minutes have passed.
And as my brain tries to catch and process all I can smell, the sparky looks at the apprentice and says not at all softly and not at all slowly:
PUT. THE. DOG. OUT. THE. BACK.
and then he says
AND. GET. IN. THE. CAR.
N O W.
And as the apprentice drags the dog through the back gate I look at the sparky and he looks at me. And then we all get in the car to to drop some flyers of to my friend K, who lives a few minutes up the road.
It was a
very
quiet
trip.
