If you are a catalogue distributor – one of those people who leave perky little “sorry I missed you” cards in the doors of people who dare throw away your catalogues – then step away now.
You may not like what I have to say.
You know the ones? Homewares. Kitchenwares. Underwares.Nifty little carrot ring curlers for 99c, see inside for details. Despite the ‘no junk mail’ sign by my front door – you still leave them on my porch. I have news for you.
I DO NOT WANT THEM.
I do not want them in my door.
I do not want them on my floor.
I do not want them on my porch,
they are merely fodder for my flaming torch.
I do not want them on the lawn.
I do not want that visual porn.
I do not want them- get the message?
I’d like to shove them up your back passage.
Take your books, take them, now
I do not want them which, what how.
I do not like those books in bags
and when you leave them, I get mad.
I do not want them tucked in screen
I’ll only put them in the bin.
They cost you money? I don’t care
I do not want them anywhere!
Yes, I know, somewhat grouchy, yes? But in all honesty, whist junk mail stuffed in an overflowing mail box is one thing, people who leave magazines by the front door with an expectation that I will buy something from them is just wrong. My porch – put your rubbish on it and I have the right to throw it away. Period.
Let’s reverse the concept for a minute.
I’ll swing by your home. I’ll deposit my manky already read magazines on your tidy front porch. I’ll be back in a week to collect them. I expect you to leave them out on that front porch for me, along with money – cash money – you have to pay me for the privilege of reading my rubbish – and I will reward you with a plastic pineapple plucker or a genuine imitation Tupperware lookalike complete with ill-fitting lid in exchange.
Sound fair? Deal.
Then I’ll take my manky thrice read rubbish to the neighbour and do it all again. I can collect my Centrelink benefits along the way – bonus.
And if you dare throw away my manky rubbish, I will leave a perky little “Sorry I missed You” card in your letterbox. Read it carefully – it says ‘please do not throw me away’ highlighted in fluro yellow right beside the crossed out dates that applied to the previous readers.
Cos you’re special.